It's no secret to me - or anyone who's been following my blog - that I've been having a really tough time lately. My mother keeps telling me, don't despair. Chronic illness is certainly difficult enough to deal with all on its own, but add in the unemployment and sometimes (often) it is just too much to cope with.
My Depression and Anxiety issues have gone from lurking on the horizon to ominously looming over my daily life. I can squeeze out a few hours here and there throughout the week when I feel okay, or even happy, but sure enough the gloom comes back. Like dark, sticky cotton candy.
It seems like each week brings more difficulty to deal with. DF found out that the last day of his seasonal job is October 31; after that, he'll once again be unemployed with no new prospects. (At least this time, there was notice.) A few weeks ago, I quit one of my part-time jobs after it became very clear that the increased Anxiety was not worth the measly paycheck. And as I posted last week, there was the massive failure of my recent medication trial. Everything just keeps piling up.
In the midst of all this upheaval and getting used to a new work schedule, I've let some components of my treatment lapse. I haven't had a massage in several months; I had been going weekly. I've pretty much stopped keeping my headache diary. Last week I even skipped my Nia dance class because I still had the citalopram in my system. I've given myself permission to stop keeping my headache diary, as right now it's causing more stress in my life. I plan to start keeping it again either when I start another med or the beginning of the new year (whichever comes first). I have a follow-up appointment at the end of March with my headache doc, so even if I don't restart my diary until January, I'll have three months of records to show him.
Massage is a different story. I know it helps me to feel better by releasing the tension in my neck and shoulders, even if it doesn't directly help my Migraines. It's silly, really, that I haven't just called and scheduled an appointment, but in the murk of daily life it's easy to avoid making phone calls.
So, my goal for this week is to make that call and restart my weekly massages. I'm focusing on not being hard on myself for ignoring this part of my treatment plan. It's difficult to continually put so much energy into an intensive treatment regimen that seems to offer little return. But every little bit does help, and incrementally I hope I'll improve.
A big part of being able to cope with chronic illness is setting small, achievable goals and recognizing when I achieve them. I know this, but I'm writing it here to remind myself. This week's small goal is scheduling a massage appointment. Hopefully I'll start to overcome this inertia, this feeling of wallowing, by taking that first baby step. Then I can look at my other goals (adding a weekly tai chi class, for example) and start working toward those.
And maybe, just maybe, the regular massages will start to chip away at my stress.
Be well,
MJ
Showing posts with label massage therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label massage therapy. Show all posts
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
letting go of superwoman
Last Sunday, I went for my weekly massage with my wonderful therapist, N. After some trial and error before the holidays, I finally settled on N as a good fit for massage. Between the holidays, moving and getting sick, it had been close to a month since my last massage, so I was happy to get back.
During last week's massage, in addition to the complete relaxation I'm normally able to achieve, I was filled with a feeling I haven't had in a long time: unconditional self-love.
Contrast that with the negative self-talk and complete lack of self esteem I've been experiencing all week, after a painful accident. I was getting into the passenger side of DBF's van, when I opened the door and slammed myself in the head. If that wasn't bad enough, I hit my head right where my daily Migraine pain is centered, near my right temple/cheekbone. This injury has been triggering moderate to severe Migraine pain and symptoms all week, meaning I've spent much of my time lounging around the house like a slug. And berating my stupidity all that time.
Like many other chronically ill women, I've had to shed the Superwoman image pretty fast. When I was working, I simply wasn't able to work a full-time job, equally split the chores and errands and take care of myself. Even now, without the full-time job, I still am not able to divide the chores and errands equally with DBF. He's had to take on the lionshare of typical chores, as well as most of the cooking we do to maintain my strict diet.
Having to give up some of my independence for the sake of my health has been difficult, and is a daily struggle. Just yesterday, I posted on MMC that it's still frustrating and hard to ask for help, even if I'm asking DBF, someone who will never second-guess my judgment about my health. While I've rejected the image of Superwoman, her shadow still lingers and sometimes I can't let go of the (unfair) comparison.
But after a week of calling myself an idiot, I'm remembering the hour of totally unconditional self-love I experienced on Sunday. Love that is much more healing and healthy than guilt is. It wasn't just that I loved myself and my personality; I even loved my body, as imperfect and fragile as it is.
Here's the thing. I'll never be Superwoman. I will always have Migraines, Chronic Daily Headache and IBS. But I will also always have myself and my body.
Acceptance of my chronic illness is something I struggle with every day. Acceptance of myself and my body is no easier, especially with so much stress in my life. But finding that moment of unconditional love last week was inspiring, and enough to remind me that I am worth the effort.
Be well,
MJ
During last week's massage, in addition to the complete relaxation I'm normally able to achieve, I was filled with a feeling I haven't had in a long time: unconditional self-love.
Contrast that with the negative self-talk and complete lack of self esteem I've been experiencing all week, after a painful accident. I was getting into the passenger side of DBF's van, when I opened the door and slammed myself in the head. If that wasn't bad enough, I hit my head right where my daily Migraine pain is centered, near my right temple/cheekbone. This injury has been triggering moderate to severe Migraine pain and symptoms all week, meaning I've spent much of my time lounging around the house like a slug. And berating my stupidity all that time.
Like many other chronically ill women, I've had to shed the Superwoman image pretty fast. When I was working, I simply wasn't able to work a full-time job, equally split the chores and errands and take care of myself. Even now, without the full-time job, I still am not able to divide the chores and errands equally with DBF. He's had to take on the lionshare of typical chores, as well as most of the cooking we do to maintain my strict diet.
Having to give up some of my independence for the sake of my health has been difficult, and is a daily struggle. Just yesterday, I posted on MMC that it's still frustrating and hard to ask for help, even if I'm asking DBF, someone who will never second-guess my judgment about my health. While I've rejected the image of Superwoman, her shadow still lingers and sometimes I can't let go of the (unfair) comparison.
But after a week of calling myself an idiot, I'm remembering the hour of totally unconditional self-love I experienced on Sunday. Love that is much more healing and healthy than guilt is. It wasn't just that I loved myself and my personality; I even loved my body, as imperfect and fragile as it is.
Here's the thing. I'll never be Superwoman. I will always have Migraines, Chronic Daily Headache and IBS. But I will also always have myself and my body.
Acceptance of my chronic illness is something I struggle with every day. Acceptance of myself and my body is no easier, especially with so much stress in my life. But finding that moment of unconditional love last week was inspiring, and enough to remind me that I am worth the effort.
Be well,
MJ
Thursday, October 30, 2008
returning to the complementary medicine fold
I posted earlier this month about the options that Dr E gave me regarding my treatment, mainly to try another Migraine preventive, or to go see an herbalist. I decided to take the referral to the herbalist, Dr P. I did not feel mentally ready to trial another preventive med, and I wanted to make sure I was getting the most out of my supplements before I add on prescription meds.
My appointment with Dr P went very well. She spent about an hour with me and gave me a lot of information and ideas.
She thinks that a lot of what's complicating things (and contributing to the strange med reactions) is emotional overload. She did not mean that Migraines are purely an emotional problem; more, she recognized the complex relationship between Migraines, Depression and Anxiety. She thinks a big issue for me is that I don't just allow myself to feel without analyzing - the curse of being a therapist's daughter. I'm very good at figuring out why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, but not so good at just letting myself feel it. Instead I think about why I'm sad and figure out the reasons for it, but don't let myself just feel sad without the "why". I don't like showing emotions in public, especially at work, so I tend to keep that lid on all the time.
Her main recommendations are that I do some "bodywork" to help put myself more back in touch with my body. She also thinks I need some space to just express emotion without analyzing it. Specifically, she wants me to retry acupuncture, and add massage therapy and dance therapy. I tried acupuncture last year, and while I had some success with it, I felt dissatisfied. She mentioned that the success of acupuncture depends not only on the techniques, but also how the patient "clicks" with the practitioner. This makes a lot of sense, as it holds true for any doctor-patient relationship. Complementary medicine practitioners are no exception.
Dr P had specific referrals for both the acupuncture and dance therapy, and I have a place very close to my office that does medical massage therapy and takes my insurance. While the dance therapy idea seemed a bit strange to me at first, after thinking it over I'm willing to give it a try. When I was younger, I took dance classes (age 4-16) and it was a big part of my life. Dance was my main form of stress relief, and it was very effective. So getting back into dance makes sense, and why not try a more freeform kind. Dr P recommended I try Nia dance, so I'm working on finding a class nearby that works with my schedule. I love the whole philosophy of Nia, and it draws from several movement forms I've practiced in the past, including modern dance, yoga and tai chi, among others.
On top of that, she also changed up my supplements. She had a specific brand she wanted me to change to for my multi, C and B2, and replaced my chelated magnesium with calcium-magnesium. She also added CoQ10 and Petadolex, as well as a live culture form of acidophilus (Primadophilus Optima) for my IBS. She wrote down specific brands and dosages for all of them.
This sounds like a lot of changes at once, and it is, but she thinks I may be better served by doing this at once rather than one thing at a time. She explained that with the holistic therapies, often one thing won't work, or even a combination of five things won't work, but adding a sixth or seventh thing is what allows everything to work together. So by changing my supplements, and adding acupuncture, massage therapy and dance therapy, we're hoping to see some improvement. She (like me) doesn't expect a miracle cure, but hopes this will at least start improving things for me.
It was a lot to think about and absorb. I like Dr P a lot. She seems to have a good balance between western and eastern medicine, recognizing the benefits and flaws of both. I feel good about her recommendations, and like the idea of trying a more holistic approach before I go back to medications. I don't expect this treatment plan to be a magic fix, but I am optimistic that it will help. I see Dr P for a follow-up appointment in 2 months, right at the beginning of January.
I have started both the acupuncture and massage therapy and hope to try a Nia class on Saturday; I will post about all of these in the near future. I've only been following my new treatment plan for a few days, but I can already tell a slight difference in my energy level. I feel more optimistic about this than I have about anything health-related in a long time.
Be well,
MJ
My appointment with Dr P went very well. She spent about an hour with me and gave me a lot of information and ideas.
She thinks that a lot of what's complicating things (and contributing to the strange med reactions) is emotional overload. She did not mean that Migraines are purely an emotional problem; more, she recognized the complex relationship between Migraines, Depression and Anxiety. She thinks a big issue for me is that I don't just allow myself to feel without analyzing - the curse of being a therapist's daughter. I'm very good at figuring out why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, but not so good at just letting myself feel it. Instead I think about why I'm sad and figure out the reasons for it, but don't let myself just feel sad without the "why". I don't like showing emotions in public, especially at work, so I tend to keep that lid on all the time.
Her main recommendations are that I do some "bodywork" to help put myself more back in touch with my body. She also thinks I need some space to just express emotion without analyzing it. Specifically, she wants me to retry acupuncture, and add massage therapy and dance therapy. I tried acupuncture last year, and while I had some success with it, I felt dissatisfied. She mentioned that the success of acupuncture depends not only on the techniques, but also how the patient "clicks" with the practitioner. This makes a lot of sense, as it holds true for any doctor-patient relationship. Complementary medicine practitioners are no exception.
Dr P had specific referrals for both the acupuncture and dance therapy, and I have a place very close to my office that does medical massage therapy and takes my insurance. While the dance therapy idea seemed a bit strange to me at first, after thinking it over I'm willing to give it a try. When I was younger, I took dance classes (age 4-16) and it was a big part of my life. Dance was my main form of stress relief, and it was very effective. So getting back into dance makes sense, and why not try a more freeform kind. Dr P recommended I try Nia dance, so I'm working on finding a class nearby that works with my schedule. I love the whole philosophy of Nia, and it draws from several movement forms I've practiced in the past, including modern dance, yoga and tai chi, among others.
On top of that, she also changed up my supplements. She had a specific brand she wanted me to change to for my multi, C and B2, and replaced my chelated magnesium with calcium-magnesium. She also added CoQ10 and Petadolex, as well as a live culture form of acidophilus (Primadophilus Optima) for my IBS. She wrote down specific brands and dosages for all of them.
This sounds like a lot of changes at once, and it is, but she thinks I may be better served by doing this at once rather than one thing at a time. She explained that with the holistic therapies, often one thing won't work, or even a combination of five things won't work, but adding a sixth or seventh thing is what allows everything to work together. So by changing my supplements, and adding acupuncture, massage therapy and dance therapy, we're hoping to see some improvement. She (like me) doesn't expect a miracle cure, but hopes this will at least start improving things for me.
It was a lot to think about and absorb. I like Dr P a lot. She seems to have a good balance between western and eastern medicine, recognizing the benefits and flaws of both. I feel good about her recommendations, and like the idea of trying a more holistic approach before I go back to medications. I don't expect this treatment plan to be a magic fix, but I am optimistic that it will help. I see Dr P for a follow-up appointment in 2 months, right at the beginning of January.
I have started both the acupuncture and massage therapy and hope to try a Nia class on Saturday; I will post about all of these in the near future. I've only been following my new treatment plan for a few days, but I can already tell a slight difference in my energy level. I feel more optimistic about this than I have about anything health-related in a long time.
Be well,
MJ
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